Friday, December 28, 2012

Why You Never Depend On Someone Like Me To Purchase the Necessities For Inclement Weather (or do you ...?)

In honor of our recent snow, let me tell y'all all about my survival skills.

And why my sister hated me as her roommate.

Well, in this particular instance.  Otherwise, I think I was pretty awesome.

Flashback: Winter 2010.

i.e., Snowmageddon, Pt. 1.

As was the case for most of the plains states, Arkansas got hit ridiculously hard with some snow and ice.  

When I say that, it means a light dusting of snow and icicles that destroy everything you can see.

I was a first-year law student during this particular storm.  We had just started classes, only to be set free again.  Naturally, we wanted to rally.  I'm sure if we had been real, bonafide adults with responsible big-kid jobs and families, we would have been much less excited about the impending day after tomorrow, but since the only thing we had at stake was getting to skip out on parol evidence and getting blasted by Professor Snow, we had already started planning the party at the house.

I mean, we had sleds.  AND HELMETS.

Because we're responsible.

Somewhere during this time, my sweet baby sister/roommate made the grave mistake to appoint Little Miss Ty to the supplies committee.  I was to go to Wal-Mart and stock up on survival gear, just in case. That's what real grownups do.

That was where things went bad.

It was insanity in there.  Like it was 1999 and middle-aged women were shanking each other for Garcia, the tie-dyed Beanie Baby.  It was a killing field.

I had no idea what I was doing in the madness.  The bread was gone, the eggs were gone ... and I just panicked.

I went to the canned food aisle and wandered for a while, pondering some fiesta corn, but cold green beans and slimy peaches made me prefer a shivering, starving death.  I knew I couldn't get anything perishable, like milk, because the electricity always goes out for days when we get ice.  Nothing that requires Top Chef skills ... 


I stocked up on microwave meals.

My rationale was that if the electricity went out and the freezer turned off, we could just set them on the porch and they'd stay fresh.

Sounds legit, right?  I was so proud.

Yeah.  I didn't take into consideration that if the electricity went out, I WOULDN'T HAVE A MICROWAVE to cook them in.

[let me remind y'all, I graduated law school.  scary, right?]

Thank goodness I had the foresight to pick up the extra things I knew I'd need to survive a winter deathcapade.

In the end, we had:

 String cheese
♥ Two packs of Double-Stuffed Oreos
♥ A case of beer
♥ A box of wine
♥ Solo cups
♥ Ping pong balls 

[and a lot of disappointed faces from my slightly-more-practical sister]

Really, though, I should be on Man vs. Wild.

Who says I'm not a survivalist?

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  1. You had me at string cheese and double stuffed oreos. I think we probably need someone more level-headed with us, if you and I ever get stranded. I am a panicky panicker.

  2. I seriously love this story and I believe with all the items you had you were perfect! String cheese, beer, and Oreos, is it sad those items are always a part of my weekly diet?!?!

  3. Too funny. I've done similar when we had no power and I was all , let me check the internet for hotels. My husband was like, hunni, there is NO POWER, NO CABLE CONNECTION. Oops.

  4. um but double stuffed oreos are like twinkies in that they can survive anything, at least the icing can. I like it.

  5. A lot of wine makes everything fine! haha

  6. Hahahahaha. Okay - this is hilarious. I could totally survive on Double Stuffed Oreos though - mmmm!

  7. Ha! LOVE this. This sounds exactly like something I would do ... what would I have gotten? Tons of peanut butter ... and bottled water, and beer. Done.

  8. hahah that totally sounds like something I would do; forgetting the microwave wouldn't work without electricity.

  9. hahahaha love your survivialist skills! During a "hurricane party" we just put a ton of booze on ice and everyone cooks everything from the freezer on the bar-b-que once the power goes out. Block partay! Prolly wouldn't work in snow and ice though. I'd prolly try living off freezer pops and franzia.

  10. I legit laughed out loud around the part about Garcia the tie-dyed beanie baby! I remember my one and only snow in day in college (bc it doesn't snow in Oklahoma or something) and it's one of my favorite memories. Drunk messes sledding behind a truck is ALWAYS safe.

  11. Hahahah! This is totally something I'd do. I mean, how in the hell are we supposed to prepare for mass hysteria?! I'd die on my first day out in the wild, for sure.

  12. During the Great Ice Storm of '09, I got stuck at Leo's house (we had just started dating, and I had to borrow clothes) with 4 guys and no food, just lots of alcohol. We spent most of the first 4 days drinking and playing Life by flashlight. Ahh, memories.

  13. This is hilarious. Honestly, the only problem I see there is not NEARLY enough booze ;)

  14. Sounds like you could have had a nice game of beer pong :)

    I'm right with you- I'm clueless when it comes to winter "survival".

    Found your blog on I Wore Yoga Pants and so glad I did! New follower.

    The Pretty Pinhead

  15. 1) If you ever find a Garcia, let me know. I swear my twelve-year-old self would've sold my super cool Nokia cell phone for one of those babies.

    2) My mom's sitting here in the kitchen wondering why I'm laughing my ass off right now. Thanks friend, this is hilarious.

    Being originally from TN, I completely understand the "let's go buy pounds of everything at Wal-Mart in case this 1/2-inch of snow commences the Apocalypse." SCARY, for real!

  16. I definitely don't do well with mass chaos situations, such as "no milk, no bread." A box of wine and oreo's sounds about right.

  17. haha! hey Oreos and Wine... what else do you need? ;)

  18. ahaha that is hilarious. Microwave meals.

    Well we got a wretched snow storm immediately after we moved. I stocked up on canned goods only to realize our can opener was in the old house 70 miles away. Awesome.

  19. This is hilarious. It made my day. And I must admit my first thought was, "Oh good idea, Tyler!" And then you pointed out the stupid electricity issue. Yea....oops.